Awareness
Have you ever just known your life was meant to be extraordinary? I did from a young age. I would usually ask many questions to my parents and family. I was a deep thinker and wanted to know much more than I knew. I think the key awareness is that as I got older I knew I had started to put everyone else first. I had made a conscious decision at three and a half to always put my sister first. This became something I had to work on in my later years. I had to learn how to put myself first in order to be the best version of myself, and to be able to serve others in the best way possible.
Now what I am about to tell you is personal and something I have been working on the last few months. A trauma of mine that I didn't think was worth working on, but I was so wrong. I used to compare my trauma to my friends, clients and family. Again, this deprived me from putting others before myself. Enough was enough, iI finally asked for help. I tell you this story because I know every single one of us has trauma from our pasts. It is our own to work through. No one’s trauma should be compared. You are enough, have always been enough. Healing trauma isnt always easy. Your pain body will relive some of the painful experiences and you may have to put your old shoes on from the past. But I promise you when you do start to heal, you will feel lighter, brighter and free.
From the age of about two, I had begun to have bowel issues. I think this was due to me forming a habit of holding my poop in, which eventually became a problem. I always have the memories of being in and out of Alder Hay Hospital in Liverpool. I would also be at our family doctor quite a lot for regular check ups and procedures. This would sometimes involve me having to take my pants off and him checking my bottom. This at a later stage became a struggle for me. Having a large older Indian man touching my bottom and feeling my tummy. Even now it feels uncomfortable to think about. This was my trauma. So, from a young age, I knew that what was happening to me was because of my brain not connecting with my bowels. The days were hard for me, going to the toilet was always a dread because it would generally hurt and I would have to sit there until I had been to the toilet. The nurses would bride me. I could not play with any of the bright enticing toys until I had been. It felt like torture.
Now I realise that my subconscious mind had learned the behaviour to not want to go to the toilet. I had to take medication for years to relieve this. If I knew what I knew now it would have done mindset work, belief work and inner work. Still, this was exactly what I needed to happen at this age to now be able to write about it and to help others. The memories of this time are difficult to unpack. I always have the memory of being made fun of in school because I had to sit on the toilet for long periods of time. I remember soiling my underwear at 5, 6 and 7 years old because I was so heavily blocked up inside. I think back to how heavy and awful I must have felt. My mind seemed to always be distracted and I do remember feeling tired and not normal. I used to come home from school and hear my Mum crying, being so young I used to think it was because of me. Was I a messed up child? Did they not want me anymore? Was I a burden? To even write this, I have tears in my eyes. It wasn't anyone's fault, my parents loved me. But as a child I always felt like I didn't belong.
Alder Hay Hospital seemed to be the place where I received the most help. There were plenty of amazing toys in the kids section, I was always drawn to play with the animals but the nurse insisted I had to go to the toilet before I could play with any of the toys. This was the reward system they had in place for me. Even at home my parents would have a chart on the back of the kitchen door. Every time I went to the toilet I would receive a gold star. If I managed to get so many in that week I would be rewarded. Looking back it was a good system, but from what I know now it wasn't about getting the gold star. It was about clearing my body of the toxins and actually laying down new beliefs in my body, which were ‘ I am able to go to the toilet with ease and strength’. The gold star was just what I wanted as a child. As I got older, I got better, my medication was dropped and I found it easier to go to the toilet. Right now at the age of thirty, I know that this phase of my life has a huge part to play in my beliefs right now. The same lesson seems to emerge. The letting go of control. I have a reward system programmed within my mind. I seem to work a lot on my sacral area and root chakra. They are located in the stomach and lower back area. This reward system has stayed with me for all these years. It is pretty powerful how something as a child can affect us in later life.
Recently, I had a breakthrough with one of my friends who has been helping me write. We chat once a week or so and I finally had the realisation as to why I feel the way I do. All my life I have been somewhat addicted to creating things, from events, coaching packages, courses, meditations, websites, etc. The feeling of launching these gives me a buzz, it's a huge deal for me. As soon as it's launched, my old (false) self expects rewards right away, like the gold star I used to receive. But sometimes the rewards take time and I lose a little bit of faith in them. The breakthrough is that I am now coming from a higher perspective and the things I am creating are things that humanity needs. They come from my own voice. For example, one of my fears was that any of my books would be just like all the other self help books I have read but in fact it can't be. Those books don’t have my stories and voice to type it or create it. Everything that happened to me when I was a young girl has a direct effect on me now, but I chose to work through it and be gentle with myself. It is all we can do. After all, we are just children walking around in adult bodies. Our trauma needs to be healed. We all have painful past experiences but I will promise you one thing, there are so many others out there healing and working on these painful memories. I hope the words that follow will assist you in getting the support you desire. You all have your own trauma and past stories to tell. I believe we all go through similar experiences. There isn’t anything in this world that someone else hasn't been through in their life. Have you ever lost a loved one? Fallen out with a friend? Gone through heartbreak? Our own stories help others to relate to them and to reassure you that you are not alone and I will take you through how I overcome these in this book.
Awareness to me is the first step in everything we do. Subconsciously and consciously our brains are working every second of every day. Our subconscious is doing the things we already know how to do, brush our teeth, get dressed, eat, drive, talk and walk. But consciously we are more connected to the being instead of the doing. Ever stopped for a moment to breathe? To feel the life force flowing through you. Place this book down for a moment, and take 3 deep breaths, in and out. Think of the breath, this air that is all around you, keeping you alive. Now give this breath thanks and gratitude.
